Having taken on board the pacifistic attitude displayed and advice given by Jeremy Corbyn, current leader of the
Trotsky Labour Party, I’ve been embarking on a peaceful route towards improving Western relations with ISIS.
I may not agree with Jeremy regarding current UK Foreign Policy with regards to Syria and ISIS, but one must explore all possible avenues before convincing oneself every effort has been made.
I wrote to ISIS on 16th November, sending them a stern rebuke of their anti-social behaviour, in light of some serious attacks on innocent Westerners.
Text versions of letters at bottom of article, for those who cannot read ‘image’ version.
ISIS LETTER 1
As of today (5th December, 2015), I have not received a response, possibly because the authorities in ISIS-land are busy negotiating the mere shards of daylight showing through the blanket of planes above them.
I have felt some further correspondence is required, backing up my previous strongly-worded expression of displeasure, so today I have written again to ISIS in Raqqa.
This time, I felt a more balanced approach may be necessary. Perhaps my initial letter was too strong, too threatening, so I have tried to ensure I provide some useful advice and suggestions, to show good faith and to perhaps give a method of reducing the carnage wrought by an angry and oppressed ISIS population, living in the darkness provided by millions of aircraft overhead.
I feel sure, with my help, we can remove the misery and oppression felt by an everyday ISIS terrorist. We can assist them in transforming themselves into a more acceptable terrorist, say something like a Saudi, one the UK and her allies can do business with more publicly. The current method Turkey has to employ to purchase oil from ISIS makes a perfectly legitimate business transaction appear soiled in some fashion.
ISIS LETTER 2
Full text (for those with crappy devices or poor eyesight)
ISIS Letter 1 Text
16th Nov 2015
Re: Your recent behaviour
Following your recent foray into Europe, and in particular the vicious attacks resulting in extreme loss of innocent lives in Paris, I feel I have no option but to write to you to express my extreme displeasure at your behaviour.
Overall your behaviour has been less than hospitable towards anyone visiting your locale, your particular aversion to ‘Aid Workers’ being a prime case-in-point.
I feel, as a member of the Free Western World, that I would be shirking my responsibilities if I did not do the courageous and honourable thing, in defending my fellow countrymen to the extent of my ability, and pen this strongly worded denunciation of you and those bounders you have under your control.
I would request that you desist, paying particular attention to the following specific acts which are causing most concern among my countrymen:
- Hanging of members of the LGBT community
- Stoning of ‘adulterous’ women of ill repute
- Beheading of Aid workers & foreign journalists
- Selling and mistreatment of people into slavery
- Rape and murder of women & girls
I would hope this strong rebuke teaches you the valuable lesson others before yourselves have learned – that Europe (and the UK in particular) will not stand idly by and permit anti-social behaviour throughout the peaceful lands in the Middle East, untouched previously by anything other than snowflakes of humanity.
This will be my final warning, if you continue with this behaviour I will be forced to give serious consideration to sending you an email next time.
Your friend always,
Confused Socialist from UK
ISIS Letter 2 Text
Fao. Head Buck Imam fellah
5th December 2015
Re: Your behaviour, an update and some suggestions
Following our letter to yourselves on 16th November, I regret to see you have continued upon your path of wanton violence and destruction. I thought I had made our position perfectly clear in my previous stern rebuke, genuinely hoping you would see the error of your ways, afraid of a further dressing down from the People’s Republic of UK.
I had hoped by now to travel to the Caliphate, to review your improvements and to provide help and support towards improving even further. In fact, my Labour Party colleagues have been baking cakes all week in anticipation of a ‘Family Fun & Games Day’ I thought we could run in Raqqa, to coincide with my visit. Unfortunately, with the current workload at home, and with the RAF now wasting resources carpet-bombing the whole country of Syria, finding suitable transport is becoming almost impossible.
Anyway, I digress. I have been considering your behaviour once more, particularly in light of an increase in attacks on ‘Western’ soil done in your good name. Having been reared in Northern Ireland myself, I feel I can semi-relate to your propensity for violence and bloodshed, though I strongly suggest you consider an important factor which appears to missing from both the attitude and actions of your followers – FUN.
Fun is important. Regardless of the violence previously surrounding the population of Northern Ireland, they never failed to ensure they had fun in their lives. A good brawl, knife-fight or even a shootout, can be made much less of an imposition on all involved if one immediately follows it with a trip to a Public Bar, adds some alcohol and reminisces with your fellow aggressors whilst singing badly and drinking until daylight.
I am aware your strict moral code, under which your Caliphate operates, currently prohibits alcohol. We do, in fact, need to discuss this moral code in depth at a later stage, but I would encourage you to give serious consideration to the relaxation of alcohol laws with immediate effect.
If one watches your followers in the media, they do not look like their morale is at its highest point, which we both know is an important factor amongst those we wish to behave with extremity. They look, if one could excuse my frankness, like they are generally unhappy, like some fun introduced into their lives would really make a difference. Would you not agree, an ISIS soldier pictured dead on a London street would provide a more globally accepted ‘face’ of ISIS, were he smiling and looking like he was happy to be there?
Both you and I know your PR machine could do with a little polishing, even our own Stasi-BBC shows comedy from time to time to inject a little fun into the lives of our citizens, making for a more happy and compliant population. Who knows, injecting a little fun into the lives of your subjects may even make your own job that little more pleasant on a dusty, desert morning.
Please, in the meantime, use Google (I say Google, because in the West we know Bing is somewhat lacking) and do some research on the theory of ‘fun’. You may find there are some aspects you could introduce quickly, which might not be in such opposition to your strict religious and moral code. If you require any assistance or find you get confused by the complicated theory of fun, feel free to contact my office any time.
I would again stress that something may need to be done regarding the behaviour of your followers. People are beginning to lose patience here in the UK, they will soon sue. Do not underestimate the UK’s desire for financial recompense for any atrocity whether theoretical, financial or your own favourite, extreme violence.
Your friend always,
Confused Socialist from the UK